If I could talk...

Today I have a heavy heart.  Today was my last day living with my family.  Monday night I collapsed late at night.  This collapse was worse than my others.  I was struggling to breath.  My breath got a very funny smell (you know, unlike it's usual super pleasant smell).  At 11:00 pm I went to the place to see the Nice Man with the needles and treats.  A Friend came over to stay with my Sister and Brother, and Sister's friend, who were sleeping upstairs.  That way Mommy and Daddy could both go with me to see Nice Man.  I know Nice Man loves me a lot, but I think at that hour of the night we all wished we could just be curled up asleep in beds.  Nice man gave me shots of medicine, but I didn't really perk up.  When we got home I was very weak.  I couldn't make it to my bed upstairs in Mommy and Daddy's room, so instead Mommy and Daddy had a sleepover with me downstairs in the family room.  Normally I love sleepovers, but I just didn't feel good.  It was so hard to breath.  My body never stopped quivering.

During the last couple days, I thought a lot about getting to go ring the doorbell to the pearly gates.  Will the pearly gates be fun to chew on?  What will I do when I ring the doorbell?  I've never been on the ringing side.  I've always been on the inside, waiting for someone else to ring our bell.  If I ring the bell, can I still chase my tail?

Mommy and Daddy had a really hard time deciding what was right for me.  They didn't see nose to nose.  Mommy was so afraid I would die while they weren't home, and that thought was not something she could bear to think about.  Mommy hates seeing me look so sad, tired and helpless.  When I collapse my Mommy and Daddy say it's one of the hardest things for them to watch.  Mommy didn't want to put me down, but she knew my time was about up and she preferred to be with me for my last moments.  Daddy wanted me to be at home, where I am most comfortable, to live out my last days.  He and Nice Man with the needles and treats thought maybe I'd surprise everyone and do another turn around.  Mommy and Daddy, since they couldn't agree on what to do, decided they would wait til my friend, Nice Man with the needles and treats, came back from his trip.  Nice Man is gone until next Thursday.  So Mommy and Daddy agreed last night to table the discussion about what to do until they talked with Nice Man next Thursday.  And in the meantime Mommy and Daddy decided to treat my last days as the best days...not that they weren't already fantastic...but not knowing how much longer I had, they wanted to make things even more super-duper.

So last night I got my usual yummy variety of kibble and canned food for dinner.  Washed it down with some pills wrapped in deli-meat turkey.  Yum.  Lapped up about 10 bowls of water....and then...for the grand finale....Daddy went and got Culver's for dessert.  That's usually something that is special between me and my Pop Pop, but since he wasn't here, Daddy did the honors.  He brought me home a vanilla malt and Mommy poured it into a bowl.  I lapped it up and pushed the bowl around the kitchen til I got every last drop.  And it was DE-LICIOUS.  After that my family was watching a movie together, and I just laid there with them.  They petted me and gave me endless loves.

Later in the evening Mommy was working on a cake.  She was crying.  She was worried about me.  Just to prove to her I wasn't quite done yet with my life or my feasting, I came out to the kitchen and looked all sweetly at Mommy.  Then she offered me her leftover cake scraps.  Do you hear me?  She never feeds me cake....but I got cake!  Mommy and Daddy, I love you.

Mommy and Daddy knew I wasn't doing well during the night.  I was up a lot.  I just couldn't get comfortable  in any position.    I tried sleeping in the closet, the tile in the bathroom, Mommy's side of the bed, Daddy's side of the bed.  Nothing was comfy.  I was restless.  I still ate this morning, but it was an effort.

Today when my Mommy got home I went to greet her.  I may not feel good, but she is my Mommy and she'd do anything for me, so greeting her is the least I can do.  But then I went and laid back down.  Mommy tried to get me up again to take me potty.  Eventually I complied, but my legs were dragging.  When we got back inside, I went to get some water but I collapsed before I could get to the water.  My Sister and Brother saw me collapse.  They cried.  A lot.  I was panting a lot.  Mommy tried to feed me.  But I couldn't eat.  It was too hard to breath to be able to eat.  Mommy called Daddy and said "come home fast".  Daddy was here in no time flat.  I couldn't get up.

Mommy called the place where the Nice Man usually is, and asked to speak with Nice Man's friend, Sweet Lady.  Sweet Lady knows me too.  Nice Man told her she was in charge of me while he was on his trip.  Sweet Lady had already left for the day, but when she heard I was doing so poorly, Sweet Lady turned around and came back.  Daddy loaded me into the car.  I collapsed again.  Sister and Brother were sitting close to me.  They were really upset.  I've seen them upset a lot in life, but this time it was different.  This time they knew it was about me.  It made me sad to see them so upset.  But then again, I was super special to them.

When we got to the place and found my friend Sweet Lady, it became apparent that my time was up.  My gums and tongue had turned a pale, pale shade pink.  I never moved.  I just laid there while my family all loved me and cried and whispered to me.  I wish I had a way to whisper back, but somehow I think they knows just exactly how much I love them.  Sweet Lady told Mommy and Daddy that my condition was spiraling downhill and that any attempts to revive me would only be temporary but would not save me in the long run, or necessarily even in the short run.  The look on my face told Mommy and Daddy "it's time".  I didn't want it to be, but that mean cancer just got the best of my body.  But it never got the best of my personality and spirit.  I still had glimpses of my old self, right up til the bitter end.

Alas,  I have a few thoughts on life I would like to share.  Maybe it's a way of letting my legacy be known...although I know I will always live on in my family's hearts.  So if I could talk, and through this blog I can, here's what I would say about my life:

The best place in the whole world is right at home where I belong.  Having loved and been loved is lots more important than fancy toys.  The best entertainment in life is usually free.  Especially when I am the entertainment...and my tail-chasing act has won the world (or at least our friends) over, time after time.  Bunny rabbits in the grass are not playthings.  White snow is meant to be yellow.  Or brown.  Grandparents are allowed to spoil us grandkids.  It's their right.  A hug can make almost anything okay.  For humans or for dogs.  So can a good nap.  Friends and family are so important, so always be a good friend.  Share your treats.  A good burp makes you feel better and makes everyone else laugh.   The most important things are not always said, but felt.  And I feel lucky that I've felt all those things.  And yes, it's true.  I really could tell your emotions and I felt them too.  That's just how I rolled.

To Mommy and Daddy.  Thank you for being the bestest parents a doggy could ask for.  I gave you a wild ride in those early years and you loved me unconditionally through it all.  Thanks for the love, the food, the toys, the companionship, the shelter and heck, even for my Sister and Brother.  I will always love you and I know I will stay in your hearts forever.  To my Sister and Brother: thanks for coming to live with me when you were born.  I'm glad I could teach you a few things about life, and could help you learn to stand up and walk when you were babies.  Sharing fishy crackers and cereal with you was always the best.  Remember, now that I'm gone, you can't blame your burps and farts on anyone but one another.  I'm sorry...but I'll be looking down, watching over you all the time, and laughing every time you let out a good one.  To all my Friends: Thank you for making my life more fulfilled.  Thanks for always ringing the doorbell and allowing me to chase my tail endlessly.  Thanks for everyone who sent me all their love when I was sick.  I really did know  I was loved abundantly.  To Nice Man with the needles and the treats:  Thanks for taking such good care of me.  I had lots of fun with you and I'm sorry I couldn't wait for you to get back before saying goodbye.  To Sweet Lady: thanks for allowing me to go peacefully and with some dignity.  And thank you for being so wonderful to my family because saying goodbye to me was the hardest thing they've ever had to do.  And to all my Friends at the place with the Nice Man and Sweet Lady.  I had so much fun with all of you.  Thank you all for doing your best to keep me healthy.  I will miss you all.  Maybe one day my family will be back again with a new four legged kid.  But I don't think that will be anytime soon, because they have a lot of healing to do.

As a wise man once said:
"Don't cry because it's over.
Smile because it happened."
Dr. Seuss

And so my friends, I throw in my bone here.  I have some special doggy friends up here that have been waiting for me.  I feel good now, so I need to get back to chasing my tail, chewing bones, snatching food, catching frisbees and running wild.  The tater tots here are almost as good as yours, Mommy.  The burgers don't quite match up to your BBQ'ing abilities, Daddy.  But it's good, and I'm happy.

Mommy says she will continue writing my blog for me to help her cope with losing me.  But from this point on, I won't be writing.  And so I say.  Live life to it's fullest and never forget to love.

Love,
Ollie the Wonder Puppy.
April 10, 2002 - August 3, 2011